Coaching from the Stands
As parents, we want to see our kids do well. In regards to sports, that usually means we want them to know the rules of the game, pay attention, always try hard, and never mess up. While striving for our kids to do well is important, parents can sometimes get caught up in the emotions of the day and forget what the point of youth sports is. It is at this time we need to be reminded:
The point is not to win. Well, not only to win, but to try to win.
The point of youth sports is for your child to grow, be challenged, learn from mistakes, improve, develop a lifelong love for sport, and most importantly, have fun. Winning is a by-product of all those things. It’s not that winning is less important, it’s that winning is not the only thing that sports are about.
What might seem important to focus on from your adult perspective is often very different from what your child’s take-a-ways are. What you might think they didn’t do very well might not even be on their radar. What they identify as the best part might be the opposite of what you think. What you want to talk about pre or post game is often very different for your child. And so it goes.
As a result, some very common topics that come up in my work with youth are the conversations that take place between them and their parents either before, during, or after practices and/or games. To best illustrate what I mean, I’m going to share some thoughts I commonly hear from both parties.
There are a number of additional consequences when a parent coaches from the stands, either towards their own kids or others. A few of those examples include:
The child can become conflicted on who and what to listen to. They may have a coach teaching them one strategy and a parent yelling another, which can be very confusing for a kid to know which instruction to follow.
It takes away from their ability to focus on what they need to be focused on to perform.
It can cause them to have self-doubt or lower confidence, because they constantly feel judged or yelled at.
It can take away from the enjoyment of the sport, to the point that they may not want to continue participating, or want you to attend at all.
The local baseball league near where I live has signs up hanging on all the fields:
Coaches coach.
Umpires ump.
Parents cheer.
Players play.
It’s a good reminder of the roles that should be maintained during games, and the same can be true no matter the sport. Your job is to support them, cheer for them, encourage them, and make sure they know you love watching them play no matter what happens. One of the best things we can do for our kids is to give them space to learn from their experiences with our unconditional support so they want to come back year after year.
Trust me when I tell you, I understand what it takes to be a parent and the challenge of making the right decisions day in and day out. If you’re here reading up on how to improve your relationship with your child, you’re already doing a wonderful job as a parent!
And know this, I’m here to help. One step at a time. Together.
